Wednesday, May 27, 2015


Do you folks have the Timehop app on your phone? It gathers the Instagrams/tweets/Facebook posts you wrote on this exact date 1, 2, 3 years ago (sometimes my Facebook posts go back 8 or 9 years gasp). It's one of my favorite things to check every morning.

Like... a year ago today I was carrying Bea around for every single one of her naps and the irises were blooming in my Connecticut garden. Two years ago I was just finding out Bea was happening, not believing it might stay this time. Three years ago I was doing endless crafts with HJ at our crazy brown house in Westport and trying to train George not to pee on my bed. Four I was obsessively reading medical journals in my Denver bungalow for the latest on aspirin's effects on recurrence. Etc. 

I wish there were a way to send little notes back in time. Give ourselves some future hindsight. Some love. A promise of good days ahead.  Last year at this time was rough. And it was about to get rougher. And then, well, even rougher. Yesterday I saw a picture of myself from May 26, 2014, a chubby face selfie with chubby face Bea. I was still 25 pounds overweight and trying to stay calm about it, but it felt like no one else was. 

I've got a small frame and don't carry extra weight particularly gracefully. It's very noticeable when I lose or gain even 5 pounds, which is frustrating but just my thing. I probably shouldn't even add that detail because it's mostly irrelevant. I guess it's entirely irrelevant. Because absolutely of course I can't stress this enough it was okay to still have weight to lose in May (this May even!). But I could sense people's weirdness around it. I could tell people close to me felt turned off and worried.

I cried a long time about it yesterday, remembering those feelings, remembering how I felt I wasn't good enough or pretty enough anymore. Realizing how much importance were placed on my looks. Feeling like there was little patience for me to get back. Or, rather, no patience if I never got back. Deep down I knew I would, I knew losing the weight was important to me and would happen. But I'd gained 50 pounds -- 5-0! -- and that takes awhile to shed. 

I lost the 50 -- 55 actually -- and that feels nice and I'm proud. But it mostly feels good because it's just for me. Entirely for me. I'm working on working through that anger and closing up that little hole that happened in my heart. I'm working on softening that time for myself, letting those memories and images -- nursing on the dining room floor and catching a look of disgust as my soft belly squished over my yoga pants -- fade away. Instead, I want to remember the way I'd swaddle Bea every night on my soft white quilt, lay her next to me and we'd both drift off to sleep watching the sun set over the pond. Or planting carrot seeds with Harper up by the cabin after a skinny dip in the pool. Or stomping through the fields as I listened to podcasts, absolutely essential emotional balms for me, and felt fleeting moments of okayness. 

I'm grateful for the pictures I took that anchor me to the good things I wanted to capture and savor, that remind me there was and will always be beauty and richness amidst the rocky stuff. I'm grateful for a life that's kept on moving forward and onward, sprinkled with so many happy moments. 


  1. Wheew. Choked back some tears of my own on that one. I can relate to a lot of it. Our youngest are so close and the issues surrounding them can be similar it seems. So much I could say..this just isn't the space for me to though. I am glad you are working on healing. Its hard. So hard that sometimes we must work very hard to fix something we didn't necessarily break.
    You're a strong lady. Oh and smart and clever and funny. :)
    PS squishy stomachs are making a comeback (I sure hope)

    1. Thank you, Lynn. Your words mean a lot. If you ever want to email about this stuff, I'm a good ear. xoxo

  2. Do you think maybe you just perceived people's weirdness about the baby weight? About people being turned off and worried? Because I can't imagine anyone feeling that way about a mother carrying around extra weight a few months after she had a baby...that's just crazy!! Were you the one with little patience to get back, and placing such importance on your looks? If it really was other people, that is heartbreaking and absurd, and I hope those people are out of your life.

    1. How I wish this were in my head. I personally wasn't all that bothered, especially because I could see consistent progress and knew it was healthy and normal. And because I know I'm much more than my physical appearance.

      No, this was real. And yes it was absurd. And no, that person (as it was mostly one person) is no longer close to me.

  3. I told you you'd rule - and you do!